Confession
by Ellislash
Summary: Nick tries to defend his actions and fails... spectacularly. MATURE CONTENT. Nick POV, NxE, PWP, sex. Lots of it. The whole thing is basically porn. I don't own anything Valve does.


I'm not gay.

No, really. I'm not. I don't check guys out on the street, I don't hit on them, I only watch porn with two or more cunts in it. I'm still as turned on by a great rack as ever. He's just... an exception. It's hard to explain, but I guess it started when Rochelle said no.

The one thing in my whole rotten life that I've sworn never to do is rape. I got let off easy for murder in '98, and I used to make my living from one kind of theft or other; but I only ever get laid by being my charming, sexy self. And it was always enough, Before... but it's the understatement of the century to say that the goddamn apocalypse "changed things."

In a single fucking week my biggest concern went from closing a deal to keeping my guts where they belonged. Instead of filet mignon in the VIP room, suddenly I had to be grateful for canned beans and bottled water. It sucked. And a man's got needs, you know? What was I supposed to do when the only female left on the goddamned planet tells me to keep my dick to myself? On the run we barely had time to sleep, let alone blow off steam, but I _had_ to make sure there was enough or I'd go nuts. I just wasn't used to going that long without a real woman to fuck, and it wears on you after a while.

Then about the same time I was getting frustrated, so was Ellis. He actually had it worse, and I could tell. Sometimes when Rochelle and Coach were asleep, and I'd stay up to take care of business, I'd hear him doing it too. He didn't know I was listening, though, and I stayed quiet to keep it that way.

At the beginning I hated him. So stupid, so loud, such a fucking redneck! He drove me nuts. His voice gave me headaches if he talked too much, and he _always_ talked too much. All the damn time it was Keith this and y'all that. For a while he'd shut up if I yelled at him, but around the time I started getting used to him, he started getting used to me. Being a jackass didn't work anymore, but by then I didn't mind those idiotic stories so much. It was even kind of nice to have somebody optimistic around. The whole run-for-your-life thing gets really old really fast.

Eventually he started to turn me on. It was godawful at first, and I fought it, but... Shit. You can't know how crazy it'll make you, fighting for survival every day with no kind of release. There's this need, this pressure, and it won't go away, and when every goddamn minute might be your last it really starts screwing with your head. I could more or less read his mind from the start, since the dumb hick couldn't keep a secret if his life depended on it; but at that point I started noticing other stuff. Like his eyes. They're so blue he must be half-Russian. And his face is so fucking _perfect_ it's like somebody designed it. I dated an artist once who never shut up about "proportion" and "intensity." She'd have painted Ellis all damn day. Even worse, I started to catch him checking me out. That _really_ didn't help, and it got so bad that I'd wonder if he was thinking of me when he jerked off.

One night I couldn't take it anymore. He'd been getting edgy, so he was definitely going to stay up late; and that time I let him know I was there. At first he wasn't sure what to do when I waved for him to follow me, but the kid's like a puppy. He'll tag along with whoever gives the orders. The safe house that night was an actual house, with upstairs rooms, so I took him to the spot farthest from the others. The poor bastard still didn't get it.

"Nick? Whaddaya want?" Shit, it was hard to keep cool.

"The same thing you do. But she's off-limits, isn't she?"

"Uh, I dunno what you're talkin' about..."

"You can't lie to me. Rochelle said no and you can't jerk off enough to deal with it."

"Hey now, that ain't somethin' I care t'discuss with you!"

"But what if we can help each other? We both need to get laid, and there's nobody else around..."

"Stop right there. Jus' stop."

He'd backed himself into a corner. Fuck, even scared and confused, he was hot. I was really far gone to be thinking it, but it felt like I'd never wanted anybody more. I made a move towards him and slowly took his hat off. Just slow enough so he wouldn't panic.

"Ellis. Look at yourself. What were you just about to do, downstairs, if I hadn't brought you up here?"

"None a'yer business."

"What if I plan to make it my business? I've seen the way you've started looking at me. Is it such a shock that you're not the only one who's horny?"

It must have been, because for once in his goddamn life he didn't know what to say. He just stood there staring at me like I had three heads. His mouth was open, just a little, and fuck if the expression wasn't twice as sexy as any centerfold model's. I couldn't help myself anymore. I pushed him up against the wall and kissed him.

Ellis has these lips that are big and soft enough to be a girl's. His breath smelled a bit like the mouthwash we'd found that day, but mine did too, so all I tasted was him. I pressed close and bit his lower lip, and god, it was good. And the best part was that he didn't fight. He actually went along with it, and before I thought he was ready I felt his tongue touch mine. It took everything I had to pull back for a second, and look him in the eye to make sure.

"That didn't take much convincing."

"Shut up, Nick."

He pulled me in again, one arm around my waist and the other hand keeping my head where he wanted it. I managed to get one hand under the back of his shirt and tangle the other one in his hair before the kissing started again. We almost fought, exploring each other's mouths with enough force to choke. Of course I'd been right about him, but it was a relief that I hadn't made an idiot of myself by bringing up the issue. And I hadn't touched anybody like that in weeks. Just making out felt amazing.

I got so damn excited that it didn't matter he was stronger. He was up against the wall and I could keep him there, but I wanted him naked. He let me get his shirt off. Holy shit, you've never seen a man in better shape. I'm what you call wiry, but Ellis is _buff_. Even in the dark it was impressive. I could feel the muscle under my hands and against my chest, and I wanted it so bad I could taste it.

Then he got his drive and forced my jacket off. I let it go but kept my shirt on, and deflected his hands before they could get at my belt - I wanted to take him. He's a natural catcher, always trying to make everybody happy, and I like to be in charge. I reached under those idiotic overalls he wears and grabbed his ass. It was in the same shape as the rest of him: excellent. I remember thinking that he might be pretty good on top, too. He actually tried to get me down on the floor, but I've spent years fighting guys who're bigger than me. He was on his knees before he realized we'd stopped kissing.

"What th'-"

"Shh." I got him from behind and had my hand down his pants before he could complain. I haven't had much experience with other men's junk, but based on some of the parties I've been to, Ellis is pretty packing. And holy shit, he was hard. It was satisfying somehow to think that _I'd_ got him that excited and wet.

He went tense and slack at the same time when I started rubbing, and made that groaning sigh he always does when he plays with himself. That's one advantage to fucking a guy. He'll know exactly how to handle your dick.

"Unh... wait a sec..." I didn't want to wait. I almost had the knot undone. But he reached in a pocket and pulled out, of all things, a half-used bottle of lube. It surprised me enough to stop.

"Oh really."

"Got it from that CVS we hit 'bout two weeks ago? I use it f'r myself sometimes, but it looks like we're gonna need it."

"Damn skippy. Give it here."

"Ain't never done this before... Go easy?"

"We'll see."

I shoved his back to get him on all fours. I got the overalls off, then his boxers. They were baggy enough to slide right over those massive shoes he wears. He was sexy as hell, butt naked with big black boots. Shit, his ass _was_ really cute. And he looked back at me like a slut from Japanese porn: half innocent, half terrified, totally fuckable. My hands were shaking as I unzipped my fly. I wanted him so bad I nearly forgot that he had to get ready for me.

The lube was already warm from being in his pocket. I'd done this before, on women, and swapping pussy for rod-and-tackle didn't change how the back door opened. I slicked up my fingers and got to work. Ellis got tense.

"Okay, that's freaky. And it kinda hurts."

"Relax. If you don't it'll hurt a whole lot worse in a minute."

With his attitude, if he said it kinda hurt, it must've _really_ hurt. It took all the patience I'd learned at the poker table to go slow. He was so tight! I'd never been anyone's first time, didn't realize how much it took to loosen up back there. But I didn't want to hurt him, and I didn't want to scare him off. We didn't know how long we'd be stranded out here and I'd much rather have a fuckbuddy than a one-night stand. I started stroking him again. That made it easier.

"Think you're ready?"

"Ummm... Dunno, but what yer doin' now feels real good..."

"I'll take that as a yes."

When I finally touched myself I shivered. I'd been resisting the whole time and now I couldn't wait any more. I lubed up and got close. On his knees, he was the perfect height. With one hand I let myself in, and with the other I pulled his hips back to meet me. He started to get tense again.

"Relax..."

I started slow: just the tip, until he got used to it; then an inch, back and forth a few times; then a little more. I don't know how I did it. I wanted to ram him hard and fast, rough like I like it, fuck enough to forget where we were or that we might not have another night - But no, he was gasping for air, groaning in pain, and I had to be gentle. Like training a soldier. Pushups every day for a year until he could handle himself in combat. So I stroked his back, gave him the reach-around, encouraged him, and bit by bit he took more of me, and each breath got less sharp, until completely on his own he pushed back. Hard. I groaned that time. He was a little louder.

"Aaah! Holy _shit_, holy _fuck_, what was that?"

"That, my friend, is called the g-spot."

"Do it again."

I pulled back slowly, torturing myself but it felt so fucking good. Then I let go. I buried my cock in his ass and made him yelp again, and again, and again. I get horny just remembering how completely amazing it was. Ellis on his knees, hot and tight around my dick, I couldn't think of anything besides the movement, and how fucking incredible he felt. It was such a relief, after so long on my own. And all the prep was worth it. God, it was totally worth it. He let me ride him harder than any whore in Vegas could handle, and he _liked_ it. I was an animal, his body fit mine like it was made for me and I fucking _took_ it. The friction between us burned up from my balls through every inch of me and I came so hard I saw stars.

Ellis stopped pushing against me to let me catch my breath, and when I could see straight again he was looking back at me with this expression... He was excited, still horny, impatient... a dozen things. And he wasn't done yet.

"You've got... a lot more stamina..."

"Ain't fair for you t'get off, an' I don't. I want a turn."

It had to have been the dopamine fucking with my head. I'm never on the bottom. Ever. But he was so worked up that when I pulled out he turned on me like a rabid dog. In about ten seconds he'd stripped me naked, and I was so high I couldn't do a damn thing about it. He shoved me to the ground a lot harder than I'd done to him. About then is when I realized that he could probably fuck a lot harder, too.

"Uh, listen, I've never done this before either..."

"Never woulda guessed. I gotta do like you did before, t'relax ya?"

"Yeah. Carefully."

Even Ellis' fingers are strong. He tried, he really did, but I knew he was feeling just like me and he hadn't got the same patience. Or finesse. I was starting to regret ever thinking of doing this. I tried to guide him, but it's hard to demonstrate on your own asshole. It could have been worse, I guess. I definitely managed to relax, eventually, but probably more because I was counting cards in my head than because he was doing it right. His fingers hurt, but less and less over a couple of minutes. I'd just decided that it wasn't so bad when he pulled out.

"Ready?"

I didn't get the chance to say "maybe," and suddenly I knew what it felt like to be on the other end of the pimp cane. He didn't start as slow as I'd done for him. I don't know what he was doing but it felt like he'd stuck a goddamn bottle of wine up there. He wasn't _that_ big, but holy shit did it feel that way. I tried to get him to go easy, but it seemed like he wasn't listening. Then I realized that he _had_ been going easy, because he started to go a little harder. I didn't feel his hips yet, though, so he still had some dick left to use before he really started to fuck me.

He used it way too soon.

Shit, it hurt. I tried not to let it show but it was hard. I heard him moaning behind me and hated him, hated that even though I'd been nice to him he just didn't give a damn when it was his turn. Then I felt him grab my waist and knew he was going for it. I tried not to brace myself, because that would make it worse; but when he pulled me back to meet him, and his cock was finally all the way in, I felt a jolt. Yeah it hurt like hell, but something definitely felt good, too. It was enough to make me shift a little, and push back harder on his next thrust.

"Aaah! _Fuck_ me..."

It wasn't what I really wanted to say, but they don't call it the "joy button" for nothing. It wiped out the pain and felt like a little orgasm all by itself. Of course that's when Ellis finally heard me.

"Don't mind if I do."

My mind totally blanked out. I don't know if I was moaning, or screaming, or passed out on the floor. He started pounding into me and my vision went white; the whole world was made of pleasure and pain and I couldn't tell them apart. He was holding on to my hips hard enough to bruise, and my legs were burning, and my shoulders couldn't hold me up any more, and oh _shit _his cock was ripping me apart; but none of it mattered. As long as he kept going, kept hitting that spot, I didn't care.

He did keep going, I don't know for how long. I would have jizzed all over the floor if I hadn't shot my wad earlier. I was so lost in his storm that I didn't even hear him finish. I just slowly faded to reality, and felt him lying on my back, breathing heavy. My arms couldn't hold up anymore, and I sort of fell over sideways. He stayed with me and we lay on the floor together, panting, for a long time before he pulled out.

My body burned. I hadn't felt that used up since the Oaxaca shitstorm in '05. At the same time, I was more relaxed than I'd been in months. Maybe years. Ellis' body next to me was warm, and for some goddamn reason, comfortable. I got my arm around him and he curled up with his head on my chest. We must have fallen asleep like that, because the next thing I remember, I heard Rochelle laughing her head off. It woke us up and suddenly we realized that we were both buck naked. Also incredibly sore. I looked at him and he was blushing from head to toe. We threw our clothes back on and went downstairs. I tried to be casual, but one look at the other two said that they'd seen us, passed out on the floor together. Even if they hadn't, Ellis would have given it away. He came down beet red, staring at his shoes, and wouldn't look at me. Coach wouldn't look at either of us. Rochelle was still laughing like we were the funniest shit in the world.

So that's how it started. Desperation. Just because some people call us a "couple" doesn't make us gay. Shit, we both bring broads home sometimes. I swear he's the only man I've ever looked at twice, and does it even _matter_ if we l...

You know what? Forget it. I give up.


End file.
